We, Real Madrid, would like to file an official complaint against FC Barcelona, for grossly unsporting behavior from the club, the coach, all the players and the Captain’s pet sheep.

Despite being made aware of a 100 pound cake specially (ed note: and prematurely) ordered by Real Madrid management to celebrate a victory in the first leg, FC Barcelona deliberately played party poopers by winning the game instead.

We also stand by Mr. Mourinho’s post match press statements, we deeply resent FC Barcelona’s attempts to make the world disgusting for us by trying to win every trophy that’s not nailed down to the floor, with clearly no effort being made to share.

The only trophy we won, Ramos dropped under a bus, but that’s a different matter. Our estimable coach, Jose Mourinho, was kind enough to jot down the various unsporting acts by FC Barcelona in his spare time, which we reproduce below.

We hope you take strict action against the club and its players, and the damn sheep.

Dani Alves: We are very displeased with Mr. Alves for acting like Mr. Pepe had broken his leg, when in fact, Mr. Pepe had only attempted to do so and was not successful. We can understand mild protests if his leg had indeed been broken, but it is clearly unsporting to protest just an attempt, and a bad one at that.

David Villa: We’d like to bring UEFA’s notice a friendly practice amongst Real Madrid team mates to step on each other when the other person is down. There is no malice intended, except perhaps to leave a few stud marks. We feel FC Barcelona players have grossly misconstrued this friendly practice, and have a tendency to complain to the referee when at the receiving end. Tut tut. Very unsporting.

Pep Guardiola: We resent Mr. Guardiola’s attempts to come across all dignified and brilliant, making our own investments in the Special One appear like we are colossal asses in bad light. He is also dreadfully inconsistent, we never know when he’s going to react to false accusations and when he’s not. We recommend a 4 match ban at least to Mr. Guardiola for this behavior.

Leo Messi: We’d like UEFA to ban Leo Messi from all Champions League games henceforth. Unless it is proven that Mr. Messi is not extra-terrestrial and indeed of human origin, it constitutes an unfair advantage for Barcelona against all teams forced to play with eleven mortals. We further resent his attempts to come up immediately after being hacked down like he is some kind of human spring crossed with a ball magnet. Pfft.

Queca the Sheep: Mr. Mourinho, after considerable research, has identified that FC Barcelona has only lost this year when Captain Puyol is not playing, and hence when Queca is not in the stands. Unless we can ascertain that the sheep does not practice any forbidden form of black magic to aid Barcelona, we’d like UEFA to ban the sheep from the match premises. We’d further like a UEFA committee to interrogate the sheep to get additional details.

Disclaimer: This is entirely made-up and has nothing to do with Real Madrid’s equally ridiculous (if not more) official complaint document. If any RM official happens to chance upon this, please don’t complain to UEFA about us.