Ten Things Rafa Benitez Should Do Before Selling Xabi Alonso:10. Shave the goatee. C’mon now, Raf – it’s had a good run, but it’s time to move on. You need a fresh look. Maybe a Mohawk.
9. Throw away that heart-shaped pendant with a picture of Gareth Barry inside. The moment’s gone. He’s run off with Sparky Hughes and there’s nothing you can do about it – his bank balance is bigger.
8. Buy back Robbie Keane.
With Xabi gone, someone will have to step into the first team – thus
leaving a space open on the bench for the impish (and very, very
expensive) Irishman.
7. Sell Fernando Torres and bring back Emile Heskey.
Offloading your most influential players is all the rage, apparently.
‘El Nino’ suffered through injury last term, so he’s in danger of being
traded in for an inferior, English equivalent (as per Xabi-Barry last
summer).
6. Make David N’Gog captain. He is the future,
of course, and will be an ‘Untouchable’ once Torres’ move to Tranmere
Rovers is completed. The most talented Frenchman ever to grace Anfield,
Bruno Cheyrou notwithstanding...
5. Quadruple Lucas’ wages. It’s about time his salary matched his contribution to the team. I mean, he’s Brazilian – so surely he deserves it?
4. Give Alvaro Arbeloa to Real Madrid for free – and promise never to humiliate them by a record margin again. Does what it says on the tin. Five-goal drubbings begone!
3. Sell his stake in Pukka Pies.
Not only would this provide an instant revenue boost, but the lack of
freebie pastries would save millions in cash that would usually be
spent on ever-roomier suits.
2. Flog all the club’s league titles and European Cups to Manchester City. They need history, Rafa needs money. It’s a win-win situation.
1. Rename the Kop the ‘Michael Owen Stand’. It’d be every bit as popular with the fans as selling one of the best midfielders in Europe.


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