Current Squad

1.Iker Pastillas Spain's only goalkeeper with hair. Bought from the youth system for around 200 million euros.

2. Retardo Carvalho apparently Portuguese, despite his scruffy French appearance and smell. Being Portuguese, he is gay by default. He got rejected by Chel$ki after 6 years after it became apparent he was far too old to play football and he was losing hair.

3. Pee Peenis the first of many illegal imigrants on this list,part alien, eats children and steals their hair, usually providing to Retardo Carvalho (see above). Died in early 2010 and respawned with hair-WTF.Have a problem with his career due to his habit of wetting his pants EVERYTIME.Despite his name, he has hardly any dick.

4. Sergio GRamos- can play in 800 different positions but he is only good in the missionary.

5. Fernando "Lady" Gago- only the legendary xialin warrior knows why he isnt playing for accrington stanley. takes it up the rear.he may also be on the way to manchester city the graveyard of overated players. Son of lady gaga.

6. Mahamadou Diarrhea- Rumoured to have had a blow to his knee in Chad and was never seen again, his prototype is been worked on now( see Lassana Diarrhea)

7. "Jesus Christ"iano Pornaldo- Dived into a pile of dogshit in Manchester and fled to Spain, thats where Real Madrid signed him for 80 penii decided to become injury prone in an attempt to get more sympathy but reports are circulating that the club doctor just has a big dick.

8. Fucka- signed from Aysee Milan last summer for 2 billion euros. discraced at his sale Gary Cook swapped his legs with Noel Gallagher's which is considered an improvement and caused the break up of Oasis. Keeping the bench warm due to his dick injury.

9. Karl Benjamin- came to madrid during the french revolution. so crap he cant even get in the french team.

10. Lasagna Diarrhea- Played for 800 different clubs and has been shit for all of them. His parents are rumoured to be dolphins - well its the only explanation for his weirdly shaped head. Its like the Millenium dome or some shit.

11. Eatabean Granero- actually a bowls player who madrid signed to test if his hair looked good on Pepe's head, got kicked out of Madrid but then found his way back from Getafe.

12. Marcelo- no one knows anything about about this child except for Michael Jackson and Eric Djemba-Djemba.

13. Antonio Adam- next andy dibble

14. Chubby Alonso- masturbated the great dick sucking party and went into hiding, thats why you never see him on the pitch.

15. Roysten Dreadlock- completely shit. apparently rumored to be killed in collision with a black boy in Real Madrid Youth club.

17. Alvaro i'll blow her - Rejected at liverpool for not scoring enough goals and sent to the shit players made good camp in madrid. had to pay a hefty entrance fee. Still sucks at Madrid but he got accepted for blowing Mourinho.

18. Raul Albiol- stole the shirt from a dead person called Ruben De La Green. also a known accompliss of batman.

19. Ezequil Gary- always rejected me on ffin video games. signed from charlton to keep the other crap players(Dreadlock,Gutsucker,Raul,Benjamin etc)company

20. Gondola Higuian- Became Real madrid's greatest ever player after escaping from fat ronaldo's stomach.

22. Angel De Mary- is in fact a girl in disguise, or in this case he looks like one. rumored to possess a vagina.

23. Rafartel Van Der Fart- Known to be the only dutchman without pubic hair, hasn't played after meeting his girlfriend ( she is bloody hot! ) Never had first team football because he have a nasty habit of farting uncontrollably.

24. Sammy Khedira- Some random German player who joined the club to keep a bench warm.

25. Jerky Dudek- Left Liverpool, where he was second-choice to Spain's #2 goalkeeper, for more first team football, before joining Real Madrid to play with...erm...Spain's #1 goalie.

23. Mesut Oezil- joined the club as a disguise of Marty Feldman. Also likely to keep a bench warm, Rob Shniders twin

27. Zuel- Only Zuel

Edit Notable Former Players

• Raul Gonzalez Jimenez Vagina Hernandez Cock Valdez Herpes- oldest living person at the age of 6 billion but only started playing football 16 years ago afted his nose blocked a shot from Pele. once upon a time he was a good footballer but know just sits on the bench masturbating. After 15 years, he got fed up of the same routine, that he eventually decided to become a professional beer consumer in Germany.

• Gutsucker- Nearly as old as raul, very popular due to eating Roy keane, used as a benchwarmer. In his spare time he plays chess with Steven Hawking

• Zinedean Zidain- World's greatest headbutter ever

• Raul Gonzalez Negro- Evil twin of the other Raul