USA
John Cleese’s “Letter to America”
15 02 2008
Originally uploaded by Browserd.
Dear Citizens of America,
In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing
it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’,
‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be
replaced by the suffix “ise.”
3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’;
you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply
can’t cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is
an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to
take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re
not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion
tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the
British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling “gasoline”) - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be
referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue
in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s
ear removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave
enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies - English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there
is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and
forgiven.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition
of all monies due, backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
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